The trouble with trust... is that it can be broken. Within the blink of an eye-word or actions can destroy a friendship, a relationship... or more.
This lifestyle ... demands that secrecy and privacy and TRUST are mandatory.
Which is why when someone you trust in the lifestyle - betrays you ... talks about you behind your back - or shares priveledged information -it is devastating.
I have been through a lot in the last few years. Hell, I have been through alot in the last few weeks. My privacy is very important to me. Trust is HUGE to me. If someone betrays that trust, it is damaging to me. Especially someone that I consider a close friend.
Or when they out private information about you to a group of people ... It is freaking devastating.
I contacted Mistress Karen to share my feelings on this , especially since the person is in the scene.
Basically this is how I am feeling...
Betrayed... hurt...
::sighs::
I am certain that... I will eventually heal over this ... but it doesn't make it any less painful today.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
Activity 1
Activity 1.
Get yourself a loose-leaf notebook in which to keep a journal and workbook. Allow space between entries to make notes later. Use the journal to write about your first contact with the idea of domination.
Was it in a book? A movie? From a friend?
I have always ... ALWAYS ... been submissive. I think that I was taught at an early age to be submissive. There are alot of Dominate people in my family. Then when I was married I married an abusive man thinking he would be in charge and dominate but he was really just abusive. When we divorced I have a friend who was a Dom and he really introduced me to a D/s relationship. Provoking feelings from me I could not understand. I began to unfold like a flower. The more we explored the more I opened up to the idea of domination and NOT abuse.
How did you feel about it then?
At the time I felt dirty. Like there was something wrong with me. My friends were very strong independant women and I actually liked a strong male figure that I could ultimately serve and be on my best behavior for.
How do you feel about it now?
Now it seems clear to me that there was nothing wrong with me at all- that this is how I am made. And although I have not had any training or play time . It is evident to me that this is what life I am supposed to have.
Why do you find it attractive?
It awakens something in me. Makes me feel complete. I have never felt so ...sexy or wanted.
Why do you want to be dominated?
I don't know if this is a want... more like a deep need or ... desire ... When I am not I feel scattered, and incomplete.
What is your goal at the end of this learning process?
I do not know if I have a goal... I mostly interested in learning more about myself and the way that I tick. Hopefully this will help me to find a Dom that fits me and I fit him perfectly. I want to learn more about serving.
What type of submissive do you think describes you right now?
I am still dicscovering this one about myself.
- These questions can lead to greater understanding of yourself and give you some answers for those master applicants wise enough to ask them of you in the future -
What myths and assumptions about domination do you think you have that might not be based on reality?
One of the biggest myths that I believed has been completely de-mystified. I found that abuse and Domination are NOT the same thing. This was a huge burden lifted from me. I had chosen partners I beleived were Dominate .. but in actuality were not.
Can you describe your greatest obstacle to finding a dominant partner?
wow great question. Right now it is me... but for reasons that are more of the heart than anything else. I just went through a break up and I am not sure how ready I am . Silly right? I am trying to figure out exactly how to cut him out of my heart and move on.
What assets do you think you bring to such a relationship?
this is an answer I am still working on.
If you meet regularly with like-minded friends, you might want to bring this task to a meeting and ask how others react to the questions above. The best mentoring will come from like minded people who have been in the lifestyle for a while and have experienced the difference between fantasy and reality.
Take the time between now and when we meet to answer the questions. Look your answers over every couple of days and see if you are being honest with yourself with the answer as it is. Do not over think it though, if it rings true then it is good! We can then discuss it at the munch. You are answering these questions for yourself, not me, so only you will know if the answer is right or wrong. If you have a question about what something means then shoot me an email.
Get yourself a loose-leaf notebook in which to keep a journal and workbook. Allow space between entries to make notes later. Use the journal to write about your first contact with the idea of domination.
Was it in a book? A movie? From a friend?
I have always ... ALWAYS ... been submissive. I think that I was taught at an early age to be submissive. There are alot of Dominate people in my family. Then when I was married I married an abusive man thinking he would be in charge and dominate but he was really just abusive. When we divorced I have a friend who was a Dom and he really introduced me to a D/s relationship. Provoking feelings from me I could not understand. I began to unfold like a flower. The more we explored the more I opened up to the idea of domination and NOT abuse.
How did you feel about it then?
At the time I felt dirty. Like there was something wrong with me. My friends were very strong independant women and I actually liked a strong male figure that I could ultimately serve and be on my best behavior for.
How do you feel about it now?
Now it seems clear to me that there was nothing wrong with me at all- that this is how I am made. And although I have not had any training or play time . It is evident to me that this is what life I am supposed to have.
Why do you find it attractive?
It awakens something in me. Makes me feel complete. I have never felt so ...sexy or wanted.
Why do you want to be dominated?
I don't know if this is a want... more like a deep need or ... desire ... When I am not I feel scattered, and incomplete.
What is your goal at the end of this learning process?
I do not know if I have a goal... I mostly interested in learning more about myself and the way that I tick. Hopefully this will help me to find a Dom that fits me and I fit him perfectly. I want to learn more about serving.
What type of submissive do you think describes you right now?
I am still dicscovering this one about myself.
- These questions can lead to greater understanding of yourself and give you some answers for those master applicants wise enough to ask them of you in the future -
What myths and assumptions about domination do you think you have that might not be based on reality?
One of the biggest myths that I believed has been completely de-mystified. I found that abuse and Domination are NOT the same thing. This was a huge burden lifted from me. I had chosen partners I beleived were Dominate .. but in actuality were not.
Can you describe your greatest obstacle to finding a dominant partner?
wow great question. Right now it is me... but for reasons that are more of the heart than anything else. I just went through a break up and I am not sure how ready I am . Silly right? I am trying to figure out exactly how to cut him out of my heart and move on.
What assets do you think you bring to such a relationship?
this is an answer I am still working on.
If you meet regularly with like-minded friends, you might want to bring this task to a meeting and ask how others react to the questions above. The best mentoring will come from like minded people who have been in the lifestyle for a while and have experienced the difference between fantasy and reality.
Take the time between now and when we meet to answer the questions. Look your answers over every couple of days and see if you are being honest with yourself with the answer as it is. Do not over think it though, if it rings true then it is good! We can then discuss it at the munch. You are answering these questions for yourself, not me, so only you will know if the answer is right or wrong. If you have a question about what something means then shoot me an email.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
This says it all..
I was reading something written by someone else today and it spoke VOLUMES to me. I have been kind of weepy as it is, Too much time in my headspace I think... or more actually I know.
Headspace and alone time generally sets off the tickertype list of me thinking of all my failures.
I did not even report to Mistress Karen yesterday (fail) and I feel horrible about it. I will most likely beat myself up about it for the rest of the day.
Anyway I was doing some reading and I found this on BBWcuties wall space and I thought "OMGOSH this is EXACTLY what I feel"
The lifestyle is complicated, sometimes, even more complicated than any of us can ever imagine.....
When a Sub is quiet ...
millions of things are running through her mind.
When a Sub answers ' I'm fine ' after a few seconds ...
she is not at all "fine".
When a Sub lays on your chest .....
she is wishing to be yours forever.
When a Sub says ' I love you ' ......
she means it.
When a Sub says ' I miss you ' ....
no one in this world can miss you more than that.
Life only comes around once make sure you spend it with the right person ....
Find a Dom who.........
calls you "beautiful" instead of "hot".
Find a Dom who will stay awake......
just to watch you sleep.
Wait for the Dom who .....
kisses your forehead.
Cherish the Dom who wants to show you off......
to the world when you are in your sweats with no makeup.
The one Dom who likes to remind you.......
of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.
Who turns to his friends and says..........
'that's mine!'
I guess to sum it up is I want it "all".....the man, the power exchange, the lover, the protector, the listener, the guider, the laughter, the tears, the grip, the lessening, the control over me, my submission to Him...... he will be my confidant......the one who knows my darkest secrets, my deepest desires, the one that will unlock the door to lead me through it and I will not fear to cross that line because I will be with Him and I will be His.....I guess most of all is that I seek a man who wants to be with me, loves me for who I am and completes me.
::sigh::
oh to lay in want of the things that have not presented themself to you yet. the best thing i gleaned from this
Life only comes around once make sure you spend it with the right person ....
Headspace and alone time generally sets off the tickertype list of me thinking of all my failures.
I did not even report to Mistress Karen yesterday (fail) and I feel horrible about it. I will most likely beat myself up about it for the rest of the day.
Anyway I was doing some reading and I found this on BBWcuties wall space and I thought "OMGOSH this is EXACTLY what I feel"
The lifestyle is complicated, sometimes, even more complicated than any of us can ever imagine.....
When a Sub is quiet ...
millions of things are running through her mind.
When a Sub answers ' I'm fine ' after a few seconds ...
she is not at all "fine".
When a Sub lays on your chest .....
she is wishing to be yours forever.
When a Sub says ' I love you ' ......
she means it.
When a Sub says ' I miss you ' ....
no one in this world can miss you more than that.
Life only comes around once make sure you spend it with the right person ....
Find a Dom who.........
calls you "beautiful" instead of "hot".
Find a Dom who will stay awake......
just to watch you sleep.
Wait for the Dom who .....
kisses your forehead.
Cherish the Dom who wants to show you off......
to the world when you are in your sweats with no makeup.
The one Dom who likes to remind you.......
of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.
Who turns to his friends and says..........
'that's mine!'
I guess to sum it up is I want it "all".....the man, the power exchange, the lover, the protector, the listener, the guider, the laughter, the tears, the grip, the lessening, the control over me, my submission to Him...... he will be my confidant......the one who knows my darkest secrets, my deepest desires, the one that will unlock the door to lead me through it and I will not fear to cross that line because I will be with Him and I will be His.....I guess most of all is that I seek a man who wants to be with me, loves me for who I am and completes me.
::sigh::
oh to lay in want of the things that have not presented themself to you yet. the best thing i gleaned from this
Life only comes around once make sure you spend it with the right person ....
Thursday, September 9, 2010
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