I have found that night time is a difficult time with my foot, it hurts alot... it takes awhile to find a comfortable position in which to sleep.
I find my thoughts traveling to a time when I am with my future Dom.
When I am cherished.
That is the moment I wait for.
to feel His breath in my ear...
to feel His words on my skin.
to feel the power of His hand.
the seduction of Him.
yes that is what i am longing for.
will You find me?
my thoughts are racing... and perhaps... one day You will.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Waking Up.
I am just waking up this morning, or is it that I am really just waking up in life? I am not certain.
A few constant reminders that I am indeed still alive - the chronic pain in my foot until I have surgery. I am feeling the weight of not being able to be around people, I feel like such a hermit, and I truly miss interactions.. laughing, or just talking with someone.
I have been saving up all of my energy to go to the halloween party that Mistress Karen invited me to. Was actually pretty stubborn in wanting to go, but I have missed out on so much in three weeks and being around my mom for the last three weeks is about to send me in to the crazy farm.
So I dressed up as a vampire, I bought a dress specifically for the party and it arrived two days ago. I purchased some fangs and I had this super cool wig that I bought awhile back.
With my foot it takes me forEVER to do anything so I had to start with preparing the theatrical fangs early in the morning. Then prepared to get ready for the party starting at 4pm. I showered , then put on make up , had to have help with my tights. Then I went to put my shoe on my right foot and ... all of my shoes were gone.
Apparently my ex in a maneuver to have that last little bit of control took all my shoes. He left me with two pairs of flip flops and tennis shoes. thoughtful.
Apparently - he felt that I would have to call him to get my shoes. I did not.
He does not want me but wants to still exact this control over me ... I do not understand.
I was upset but decided that I would still go to the party... and I am glad I did.
One of my friends picked me up, which I was grateful for.
Until I got us lost... I had NO idea there were three exits for Rainbow off of the 95 ... do I ever go to Vegas? NO.
When W/we finally arrived at the party, I was so excited to see Mistress Karen, and meet a lot of people that I really haven't met before. I sat in a chair - due to the whole foot thing, and got to people watch - one of my favorite things. I was introduced to a Sir who had all of these cool knife finger things on his costume (think freddy kruegeer) which Mistress Karen ran over my arm with. She also had him run down my arm with all of them.
::shivers::
Then my friend was able to move me to an outside couch where I was able to talk to alot of new people.
and that is where my evening took an exciting new turn... and opened my eyes to new awakenings..
VegasWillow was kind enough to break my rope cherry, She tied me up to the lovely Ana, it was amazing and beautiful, and i doooo soooo love rope. It was interesting to try and drink my cocktail tied the way I was, but it was fun too. Then I was able to experience edge play thanks to the beautiful VegasWillow. It is something that i feared but wanted to try.
I loved it. (feeling a little breathless just writing about it)
Then Mistress Karen took me to the cross and flogged me and paddled me.
I love the way the flogger feels heavy and thuddy on my back, butt and thighs. It is a delicious feeling really. She also used a wooden paddle, which (ouch) provided a good thwack against my ass. I was not sure about this at first and tears stung my eyes, but I was able to breathe through it. I have always been really scared of wimping out, of not being able to "take it" I guess. But it actually just reinforced who I am . Woke me up to a whole new pleasure in pain ... Afterwards I felt... so sleepy- I wanted to go to sleep right then , it was like every pressure- every thing that has been weighing on me , all of everything was gone.. and the world was right and I could finally sleep.
Yet when I got home all I could do is lie awake and reprocess it in my head until finally sleep found me.
and here I have awoken to ... this whole new ... feeling of everything being right in the world.. well my world anyhow.
A few constant reminders that I am indeed still alive - the chronic pain in my foot until I have surgery. I am feeling the weight of not being able to be around people, I feel like such a hermit, and I truly miss interactions.. laughing, or just talking with someone.
I have been saving up all of my energy to go to the halloween party that Mistress Karen invited me to. Was actually pretty stubborn in wanting to go, but I have missed out on so much in three weeks and being around my mom for the last three weeks is about to send me in to the crazy farm.
So I dressed up as a vampire, I bought a dress specifically for the party and it arrived two days ago. I purchased some fangs and I had this super cool wig that I bought awhile back.
With my foot it takes me forEVER to do anything so I had to start with preparing the theatrical fangs early in the morning. Then prepared to get ready for the party starting at 4pm. I showered , then put on make up , had to have help with my tights. Then I went to put my shoe on my right foot and ... all of my shoes were gone.
Apparently my ex in a maneuver to have that last little bit of control took all my shoes. He left me with two pairs of flip flops and tennis shoes. thoughtful.
Apparently - he felt that I would have to call him to get my shoes. I did not.
He does not want me but wants to still exact this control over me ... I do not understand.
I was upset but decided that I would still go to the party... and I am glad I did.
One of my friends picked me up, which I was grateful for.
Until I got us lost... I had NO idea there were three exits for Rainbow off of the 95 ... do I ever go to Vegas? NO.
When W/we finally arrived at the party, I was so excited to see Mistress Karen, and meet a lot of people that I really haven't met before. I sat in a chair - due to the whole foot thing, and got to people watch - one of my favorite things. I was introduced to a Sir who had all of these cool knife finger things on his costume (think freddy kruegeer) which Mistress Karen ran over my arm with. She also had him run down my arm with all of them.
::shivers::
Then my friend was able to move me to an outside couch where I was able to talk to alot of new people.
and that is where my evening took an exciting new turn... and opened my eyes to new awakenings..
VegasWillow was kind enough to break my rope cherry, She tied me up to the lovely Ana, it was amazing and beautiful, and i doooo soooo love rope. It was interesting to try and drink my cocktail tied the way I was, but it was fun too. Then I was able to experience edge play thanks to the beautiful VegasWillow. It is something that i feared but wanted to try.
I loved it. (feeling a little breathless just writing about it)
Then Mistress Karen took me to the cross and flogged me and paddled me.
I love the way the flogger feels heavy and thuddy on my back, butt and thighs. It is a delicious feeling really. She also used a wooden paddle, which (ouch) provided a good thwack against my ass. I was not sure about this at first and tears stung my eyes, but I was able to breathe through it. I have always been really scared of wimping out, of not being able to "take it" I guess. But it actually just reinforced who I am . Woke me up to a whole new pleasure in pain ... Afterwards I felt... so sleepy- I wanted to go to sleep right then , it was like every pressure- every thing that has been weighing on me , all of everything was gone.. and the world was right and I could finally sleep.
Yet when I got home all I could do is lie awake and reprocess it in my head until finally sleep found me.
and here I have awoken to ... this whole new ... feeling of everything being right in the world.. well my world anyhow.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
learning to submit in a whole new way
Well, I am finding that this journey sometimes has some forks in the road...
I have been excited to go to the munches ... and to power exchange. Meeting people who share common interests that don't look at you with one eyebrow up, when you share certain naughty things that have crossed your mind. I think I have had more than a couple friends look at me with "the look" the one that says "Have you lost your damn mind?" or "I thought you were a whole other kind of girl".
I have been thinking alot lately about how I am the way I am .. when did it all start... when did I first notice there was something just a little bit different about me.
Well... the earliest I can remember is watching Dudley DoRight ... and when Snidley Whiplash would tie Nell to the train track ... I always wanted to be Nell.
Dastardly right?
I remember it like it was yesterday...
Right now I have nothing BUT time on my hands. I will explain... and then explain some more...
On Saturday, I noticed a little ache in my foot. Nothing major - just an ache. When I walked it was a little sore. I didn't think much about it, went to bed, and figured that I would wake up and it would be better.
Wrong!
It was worse. Here we are trying to move furniture in and out of my house and I am now unable to even assist. Other than to oil the furniture that is moving in . By Monday , I fully can not walk or stand, that is how painful it has become. I drive myself to the Emergency Room where they take X-rays and tell me .. not broken ... here is some percocet ... rest your foot.
Can I say that percocet ... just makes you sleep... and then when you have pain .. you wake up for a brief moment to enjoy the pain ... and then fall back asleep.
I woke up this morning and I have had it. I have cussed my foot out several times - advising it to get with the program and stop hurting so I can get on with life... there is stuffto do and work to be done. However my left foot apparently has a mind of it's own and chooses to not submit to my attempt at Domming some respect out of it. I called my chiropractor's office and asked if they knew a specialist .
My friend Tracie said no , but she would look through the list on my insurance website and she would try to get me an appointment.
She called me back and had an appointment for me at 230 *thank God* .
My dad drove me to the appointment and helped me get into the office - i am not so good on crutches... Where I met with the nicest Doctor. He seemed a little puzzled by my symptoms and thought at first I had gout. To be honest , I thought he was just going to give me a shot in my foot and be done with me ...
But he marked my foot where it hurts, then sent me to the torture chamber... I mean xray.
I sobbed through the whole thing ... so painful.
I was sat in another room and waited- where the doctor said these things while looking at my xray...
"Well ... that's not good"
"hey look at that she has an extra bone in her foot"
(yay me?)
and "ohhhhh BUMMER no wonder she is in so much pain"
ok two out of the three freaked me out and not the one you would think about me having an extra bone... I am totally cool with being a freak of nature... just sayin...
So doctor comes in sits down and has "the look" the one that says your foot is fucked up.
But he is more eloquent than that and says...
"look ... you have every right to be in pain right now... don't let anyone tell you that you are being a baby... you have a bone spur on the top of your foot that is rubbing against your tendon and fraying it. Basically it is threatening to sever your tendon . which is why you are having SO much pain."
I just sat there with my jaw agape.
He continued with " we are going to try to get the swelling and the pain down to a minimum. Your life for the next two weeks consists of ... ice on 30 minutes ... ice off 30 minutes, you need to buy some books, rent some movies and plan to fall asleep from boredome.... alot. You are on complete bed rest... Keep the foot up immobilized and that is your life - I will decide in two weeks if you are able to have surgery. Which is the only thing that is going to help you"
I tried to comprehend all that he was saying but honestly i just heard :blah blah blah... bedrest.... blah blah blah surgery:
Granted I have done more crying in three days than i have ever done in my life. These pains will come out of nowhere and just control my whole world. I can't think ... eat ... sleep.. think... anything when they happen. It is almost like having hard labor in my foot.
I have been trying to do some exercizes (mental ones) ...imagining my future Sir.
But I am a slave to this pain right now ... and it is hard to get into a different headspace.
Any suggestions on how to change this?
I feel completely cut off from the world. I am used to being pretty free and just going when i want.
It sucks to be submissive to my foot... of all things.
Yet submit I will have to ... I have no other options... I am fighting to keep my sanity in all this... perhaps somebody out there has some mental distractions for me?
I have been excited to go to the munches ... and to power exchange. Meeting people who share common interests that don't look at you with one eyebrow up, when you share certain naughty things that have crossed your mind. I think I have had more than a couple friends look at me with "the look" the one that says "Have you lost your damn mind?" or "I thought you were a whole other kind of girl".
I have been thinking alot lately about how I am the way I am .. when did it all start... when did I first notice there was something just a little bit different about me.
Well... the earliest I can remember is watching Dudley DoRight ... and when Snidley Whiplash would tie Nell to the train track ... I always wanted to be Nell.
Dastardly right?
I remember it like it was yesterday...
Right now I have nothing BUT time on my hands. I will explain... and then explain some more...
On Saturday, I noticed a little ache in my foot. Nothing major - just an ache. When I walked it was a little sore. I didn't think much about it, went to bed, and figured that I would wake up and it would be better.
Wrong!
It was worse. Here we are trying to move furniture in and out of my house and I am now unable to even assist. Other than to oil the furniture that is moving in . By Monday , I fully can not walk or stand, that is how painful it has become. I drive myself to the Emergency Room where they take X-rays and tell me .. not broken ... here is some percocet ... rest your foot.
Can I say that percocet ... just makes you sleep... and then when you have pain .. you wake up for a brief moment to enjoy the pain ... and then fall back asleep.
I woke up this morning and I have had it. I have cussed my foot out several times - advising it to get with the program and stop hurting so I can get on with life... there is stuffto do and work to be done. However my left foot apparently has a mind of it's own and chooses to not submit to my attempt at Domming some respect out of it. I called my chiropractor's office and asked if they knew a specialist .
My friend Tracie said no , but she would look through the list on my insurance website and she would try to get me an appointment.
She called me back and had an appointment for me at 230 *thank God* .
My dad drove me to the appointment and helped me get into the office - i am not so good on crutches... Where I met with the nicest Doctor. He seemed a little puzzled by my symptoms and thought at first I had gout. To be honest , I thought he was just going to give me a shot in my foot and be done with me ...
But he marked my foot where it hurts, then sent me to the torture chamber... I mean xray.
I sobbed through the whole thing ... so painful.
I was sat in another room and waited- where the doctor said these things while looking at my xray...
"Well ... that's not good"
"hey look at that she has an extra bone in her foot"
(yay me?)
and "ohhhhh BUMMER no wonder she is in so much pain"
ok two out of the three freaked me out and not the one you would think about me having an extra bone... I am totally cool with being a freak of nature... just sayin...
So doctor comes in sits down and has "the look" the one that says your foot is fucked up.
But he is more eloquent than that and says...
"look ... you have every right to be in pain right now... don't let anyone tell you that you are being a baby... you have a bone spur on the top of your foot that is rubbing against your tendon and fraying it. Basically it is threatening to sever your tendon . which is why you are having SO much pain."
I just sat there with my jaw agape.
He continued with " we are going to try to get the swelling and the pain down to a minimum. Your life for the next two weeks consists of ... ice on 30 minutes ... ice off 30 minutes, you need to buy some books, rent some movies and plan to fall asleep from boredome.... alot. You are on complete bed rest... Keep the foot up immobilized and that is your life - I will decide in two weeks if you are able to have surgery. Which is the only thing that is going to help you"
I tried to comprehend all that he was saying but honestly i just heard :blah blah blah... bedrest.... blah blah blah surgery:
Granted I have done more crying in three days than i have ever done in my life. These pains will come out of nowhere and just control my whole world. I can't think ... eat ... sleep.. think... anything when they happen. It is almost like having hard labor in my foot.
I have been trying to do some exercizes (mental ones) ...imagining my future Sir.
But I am a slave to this pain right now ... and it is hard to get into a different headspace.
Any suggestions on how to change this?
I feel completely cut off from the world. I am used to being pretty free and just going when i want.
It sucks to be submissive to my foot... of all things.
Yet submit I will have to ... I have no other options... I am fighting to keep my sanity in all this... perhaps somebody out there has some mental distractions for me?
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