I want to expose myself emotionally, sexually and intimately without fear of reprisal, abandonment or ridicule. I want this act to be received in a way that supports my dignity, intelligence, womanhood and heart. I want to be not only accepted but needed. Not only needed but cherished. Not only cherished but respected. All of me … not just my body … not just for what I represent or provide or satisfy but because someone wants to see who I am … really, really see … See all the parts of me and still wants me as a whole - wants me “as is”. Only then will I be able to believe the sincerity of the words seductively spoken in dark corners and breathless moments. Only then will I know that I am not invisible to another and that true connection between two people exists. Only then will I love completely, truly and honestly as I love myself

Essay Mistress Karen asked me to write.

While I am someone who is looking for a Dominant in my life, I am finding that I need to be the master of my emotions. During the sub-mentoring boot camp it was mentioned that HOW can I be Dominated, If I cannot first dominate myself. This spoke to me very much, because I know that I have not really figured out HOW I am supposed to do that.

I began cutting, during my abusive relationship as a way to not feel. I have not ever really dealt with the things that started this vicious cycle and I am finding that stuffing these thoughts and emotions has had an adverse effect on me. It is like a volcano that is building pressure; it keeps building and building until…. BOOM! There is an explosion of emotions, which is out of control.
Stepping away from it I can see exactly how out of control it really is.

I find that I need to not just dominate myself, but I need to really be the master of my emotions. As a rational human being I know that there is not going to be a happy day every day. There will be days that are completely off, or will be filled with heartache, or pain, or sometimes even suffering. I need to deliberately and with purpose change the way I deal with days that derail me, and instead of heading for a crash, I need to put myself back on track and avoid the full scale drama scene.

To do this I will have to change my focus. If I have something that upsets me, the first thing I will do is not react to it. I will step back from whatever it is and look at it logically. I will dissect if it is something that is life altering, or life hurting, or if it is just a speed bump. I will mindfully breathe through whatever situation it is and sit on it for at least twenty four hours before I, respond to whatever the situation is. When I do I will remind myself that yes, I am allowed to have feelings about what happens, and yes it probably sucks, but in the long run will it affect me forever. My feelings and emotions are a part of who I am but they are not WHO I am.

I am still cut-free since August. Sitting here today I am shaking my head wondering why I would want to inflict the pain on myself rather than the person who inflicted the pain on me in the first place. I am going to implement the tools of positive reinforcement. I will also, now that my foot is better start back on an exercise program and especially yoga which centers me and helps me to keep my emotions in check. I will do some form of exercise other than my physical therapy three times a week. I will also get back to my journaling which also helps me to keep my emotions in check.

There is not even one good thing that comes out of me freaking out or hurting myself. I cannot change others, or what they do to me. But, I can change me, and I will live like I am special and deserving of good things. I will no longer hold on to old mentalities. I will no longer let my emotions rule my life. Instead I will master my emotions.

Word count 580.

Homework Assignment 2

My mission is to have a physically and emotionally healthy lifestyle and life. 
Mission Rules: 
Part 1. 
Having a physically and emotionally healthy lifestyle and life. I succeed at this when I communicate with others about my emotions and feelings. I also succeed at this when I am active and managing my lifestyle choices. 

Rules break out: 
1. I will create healthy meal plans.
2. I will make meals at the beginning of the week
3. I will take my lunches to work so that I will not be tempted to eat fast food.
4. I will work with my physical therapist , to implement physical activity at home that is safe for my foot surgery.
5. I will commit to communicating my emotions and feelings, in a healthy way.
6. I will avoid emotional pitfalls, and not take things personally when they happen.
7. I will step back from situations that have a potential for emotional harm, and analyze them before I react to them.
8. I will implement my positive self talk scripts in to my daily life, to build my positivity and confidence.

Guidelines: These rules will help me focus on making my mission statement my daily reality. 

Self talk Script : 

I am successful.
I manage my finances and stay within my budget.
I am special, I like who I am.
Money comes easy to me, it is my reward for doing my job well. 
I am a strong independent woman, I am confident in my life choices.
I am fearless, I attack life with a voracity, and enjoy each day.
I am happy,
Everything I do turns to success.
My success is contagious, other people like it, seek it and respect it.
I am a confident and positive person, and confident and positive persons gravitate toward me everyday.
I create a peaceful and loving home.
I am a successful writer, words flow easily from my fingertips ,with fluidity.
I am a loving woman who is deserving of loving relationships.
I am healthy wealthy and wise.
I am getting wealthier everyday.
I am able to focus on my assignments, and meet my deadlines.

Mission Statement and Positive Self Talks - Homework Assignment 2

My homework requires me to create a mission statement.  and there are rules... 

1)    The verbal / written direction tools for your external world.

These include vision statements (long-term objectives), mission statements (long or short-term objectives), and goal statements (short-term statements than takes steps toward the accomplishment of a mission). They set direction.

Their purpose is to

a. guide you in your own decision making,

b. communicate to others the direction you are taking or wish others to take,  

c. provide a way to measure success. 

Words should be carefully chosen to communicate clearly your intent.

Rules governing the mission statement help define and support appropriate behavior.

Expressing the rule(s) in a declarative statement helps frame the picture of what the successful outcome of a mission statement looks and feels like. 

I am at a loss as to what to write really... So I have been thinking about it while doing my reading assignments. 

My mission is to be in a emotionally healthy , physically satisfying power exchange relationship. I commit to being truthful, loyal and obedient.  I will be open and available emotionally and verbally. Actively participating in the local D/s functions, fostering a sense of community , encouraging the positive side of the BDSM lifestyle.

1)    The verbal/written direction tools for your internal world.

These are positive self-talks. They are statements you memorize and repeat to yourself on a daily basis. They take they form of affirmations and are stated as though it is a fact.

Example: I am strong vs. I will be strong.

We are who we tell ourselves we are.

1. I am successful.
2. I manage my finances and stay within my budget.
3. I am special, I like who I am.
4. Money comes easy to me, it is my reward for doing my job well. 
5. I am a strong independent woman, I am confident in my life choices.
6. I am fearless, I attack life with a voracity, and enjoy each day.
7. I am happy,
8. Everything I do turns to success.
9. My success is contagious, other people like it, seek it and respect it.
10. I am a confident and positive person, and confident and positive persons gravitate toward me everyday
11.  I am attracting powerfully positive and healthy people into my life.
12. I am highly motivated to exercise my body because I find exercise as fun.
    
    
    
    

Homework-

Part One:

1. Take your top 8 values that you determined in boot camp 1 and using a dictionary, such as dictionary.com or a Webster's dictionary, look up the meanings of your value and determine what resonates closest to what you feel. Write this down. 

2. Next, under the value and the definition you have developed, answer these questions:
• How will you live this value? 
• How does this apply to your life on a practical level?



Being the Best-


definition : of the highest quality, excellence, or standing


I will apply this by making sure what I put my time and effort into is of the best quality.  I will be punctual with appointments, I will thoughtfully and with precision finish my homework assignments before turning them in.  At home , I will finish projects that I start, and I won't do them half way.  I will make sure that they are of the best quality.




Commitment-

definition : the act of committing, pledging, or engaging oneself.

Application- When I commit to something, I will see it through to completion.  With people , friends and family I will make sure that I will keep promises that I have made. I will be sure to be true to my words and deeds in all aspects where I have committed myself.


Fearlessness- 


definition : –adjective without fear; bold or brave; intrepid.


I have spent a lot of time in fear. Fear of what people will think.. fear of what people will say. Of not measuring up.  My goal is to be fearless. To approach this program, to approach my life  without fear. To walk boldly through this life and truly LIVE-    I will not live life in the backseat nor will I tiptoe through the remainder of my days on earth. I will dance boldly, I will sing loudly, and I will experience everything there is to experience, and I will do it with my eyes wide open.  My mantra " I am fearless"  will be on my lips first thing in the morning and the last thing before bed.


Focus-


definition: a central point, as of attraction, attention, or activity




I will make sure my focus is 100 percent.  When listening I will not allow myself to be distracted. When spending time with a mentor, or even when spending time with friends or on a date. I will turn off my cell phone and focus all of my attention on the time that is being spent.  Listening, learning, growing.  If I am  on a call I will turn off my television , or music and make sure that I am committed to the call at hand.  Making sure that any activity I have committed or engaged myself into has my full undivided attention.

Honesty-


definition :
 1.        the quality or fact of being honest; uprightness and fairness.

2.

truthfulness, sincerity, or frankness.

3.

freedom from deceit or fraud.

Honesty is one of my most important values. Without it there is no trust. Without trust how can you have any type of relationship? Whether it be vanilla or D/s.  I will strive to be honest in all that I do. I will commit to truth in all aspects, being forthright no matter what. Thus building trust and relationships, that will come from connecting with that core value of honesty.

Loyalty- 

definition : the state or quality of being loyal; faithfulness to commitments or obligations

Loyalty , being faithful... keeping a commitment is huge to me , therefore I am loyal to a fault. I make sure that if I commit to something I will see it through. In obligations to classes, work, relationships. I will commit one hundred percent . I will make sure that I am loyal to my beliefs, my friends, my family. Fostering a life of faithfulness, trust and commitment.

Preparedness-

definition : the state of being prepared; readiness.

I will be prepared for classes- I will have pen paper, and I will be attentive and focused on the lesson at hand .  At work I will be at least five minutes early to have my desk and myself ready to help clients , so that I am not rushed trying to find things. At home I will make sure that things like meat are put out in the morning so that when I come home to cook dinner they are thawed, and I am not running around trying to put something together, nor will I be tempted to go out for fast food.  I will make sure I fill my gas tank up at the beginning of the week , so that I do not run the risk of running out of gas. Little things that make life easier come from being prepared. This is a value that although simple makes a huge difference in how my day runs, and in turn affects other people in my life. 

Respect-

definition: 

to show regard or consideration for

Respect is huge value for me. I try to show regard to all persons - No matter what. I do this without prejudice  or judgement . I try to show consideration for all .  I try to show respect by honoring titles, when speaking I address someone properly.  I am respectful by not speaking to loudly or being profane. I am respectful by being punctual . I am respectful by not over talking another person, listening , rather than speaking.  Thinking before I speak, and not just blurting answers. All ways that I will commit to showing respect for others. 

Strength 5

Connectedness
Shared Theme Description
People who are especially talented in the Connectedness theme have faith in the links
between all things. They believe there are few coincidences and that almost every event has a
reason.
Your Personalized Strengths Insights
What makes you stand out?
Instinctively, you may enjoy establishing links between people. Perhaps this requires
persistence and patience on your part. You may argue that relationships should be nurtured
slowly, not rushed. Driven by your talents, you now and then sense you are inextricably tied
to your teammates. Maybe you understand that your success depends on each one of them,
just as their individual successes hinge in some measure on you. It’s very likely that you
sometimes sense a special bond with certain individuals regardless of whether you have met
them. Perhaps time or distance does not prevent you from feeling closely linked to specific
people or the lives they lead. Chances are good that you might be determined to do good for
people and/or the environment. Perhaps you are puzzled by people who cause harm without
realizing they are hurting themselves. By nature, you conclude that your life is more
meaningful and you are happier when you can dedicate yourself to something of importance
to humankind. It can be something simple rather than something grand. You sense your acts
of kindness influence individuals to perform good deeds. You are likely to inspire generosity
in many people.
Questions
1. As you read your personalized strengths insights, what words, phrases, or lines stand
out to you? see highlighted area
2. Out of all the talents in this insight, what would you like for others to see most in
you? again ... see highlighted area... this is the truth.

Strength 4

Communication
Shared Theme Description
People who are especially talented in the Communication theme generally find it easy to put
their thoughts into words. They are good conversationalists and presenters.
Your Personalized Strengths Insights
What makes you stand out?
Instinctively, you might admit that you participate in friendly rivalries for fun. Usually you
are comfortable letting people know what you do and do not value. It’s very likely that you
attempt to surround yourself with thinkers. When you encounter them, you might share a few
of your latest theories, concepts, or philosophies. You might place a special value on these
conversations. Occasionally they might supply you with a new idea or a fresh perspective.
Perhaps you gather information, store it in your mind, or somehow document it. You may not
know at that moment how something you have heard, read, or observed will lead you to
another discovery or insight. Driven by your talents, you may easily engage others in
conversation. You might seek to make discoveries about the unique traits of certain
individuals. You might ask questions to understand their hopes, successes, goals, strengths, or
special interests. Chances are good that you spontaneously regale people with funny
anecdotes, timely jokes, witty comments, or whimsical ideas. Amusing others brings you
pleasure. You have a gift for making people laugh out loud. Because of your strengths, you
naturally gravitate to situations where you can be your true self. You feel life is wonderful
when people listen as you share stories about your successes, failures, talents, limitations,
hopes, or fears.
Questions
1. As you read your personalized strengths insights, what words, phrases, or lines stand
out to you? See the hilighted portions i think this sums it up.

2. Out of all the talents in this insight, what would you like for others to see most in
you?  that I am funny... that I do love to engage in thoughtful and lively discussions. 

Strength 3

Empathy
Shared Theme Description
People who are especially talented in the Empathy theme can sense the feelings of other
people by imagining themselves in others’ lives or others’ situations.
Your Personalized Strengths Insights
What makes you stand out?
Driven by your talents, you usually know when you have or have not won the approval of a
person or a group. You harbor a deep-seated yearning to belong. You are delighted when
many individuals gladly welcome you into their lives. Chances are good that you are highly
perceptive about others’ thoughts, emotions, and needs. This ability allows you to discover
what makes each person special. You usually know how to respond to someone depending
upon his or her unique circumstances, moods, background, or successes. It’s very likely that
you take time to discover someone’s likes, dislikes, hopes, dreams, or idiosyncrasies. You
usually gain a great deal of satisfaction from making a person feel worthwhile and valuable.
Instinctively, you realize numerous individuals need your attention to feel valued or
appreciated. Making someone feel special gives you a great deal of satisfaction. You can
sense when someone’s spirit needs to be lifted or his/her contributions need to be
acknowledged. You know what to say and how to say it so your compliments or words of
recognition sound truthful, genuine, and sincere. This is one way you nurture relationships
with people. By nature, you might be prompted by a natural impulse to answer questions, deal
with perplexing issues, or overcome obstacles. This need to do something arises from deep
within yourself.
Questions
1. As you read your personalized strengths insights, what words, phrases, or lines stand
out to you?  The need to belong... perceptive to others thoughts and emotions ... 

2. Out of all the talents in this insight, what would you like for others to see most in
you? That I am perceptive.. that I do truly care. 

Strength 2

Positivity
Shared Theme Description
People who are especially talented in the Positivity theme have an enthusiasm that is
contagious. They are upbeat and can get others excited about what they are going to do.
Your Personalized Strengths Insights
What makes you stand out?
Driven by your talents, you enjoy amusing people. You are generally happier with life
whenever you put others in a good mood. You probably tell stories or jokes. You are apt to
offer compliments. Because of your strengths, you may have an exceptional desire to leave a
legacy of value and worth — to live a life that matters. This partially explains why you are
compelled to make a meaningful and lasting impact on the planet or people’s lives.
Occasionally you urge individuals to do their part in making the world, or at least their little
corner of it, a better place for all living things. It’s very likely that you may help some people
fit into groups. You might establish good relationships with many people you encounter.
How? You notice their good qualities. When others hear your favorable comments about an
individual, they might be more inclined to make the person feel welcome. By nature, you
notice that life is a lot better for you when people accommodate your biological need to work
in the evening. You customarily produce optimal — that is, most satisfactory — results in the
evening or the hours after midnight. Chances are good that you are attracted to news that
promises to improve the quality of life for the entire human family. This information makes
you feel much more optimistic about the world’s future.
Questions
1. As you read your personalized strengths insights, what words, phrases, or lines stand
out to you?
I want to live a life that matters. I also try to encourage others to do their part in the world. I enjoy amusing people.  all true.
2. Out of all the talents in this insight, what would you like for others to see most in
you? The same as above ... I want to live a life that matters. I want to encourage others to do the same. 

Submissive mentoring Program

As part of the submissive mentoring program, I was required to get a book called Strengths Finder 2.0 . In it is a code and you go to Strengthsfinder.com  to take a test and learn about your strengths. 


This is a first since I am always more focused on my weaknesses. 


I took the test and these were my top 5 results ...

Section I: Awareness

Woo

Shared Theme Description

People who are especially talented in the Woo theme love the challenge of meeting new people and winning them over. They derive satisfaction from breaking the ice and making a connection with another person. 

Your Personalized Strengths Insights

What makes you stand out?

Driven by your talents, you are known for your ease with language. This ability serves you well when you need to talk with newcomers or outsiders. Your vocabulary probably allows you to tell stories or express your ideas with great clarity. It’s very likely that you probably tell jokes and act out funny stories to involve newcomers as well as outsiders in discussions. One of your joys is making strangers feel welcome and part of the group. By nature, you

genuinely feel deep affection for all kinds of people. You naturally befriend individuals you encounter. They automatically sense you are kind and caring. You automatically discover reasons to like and appreciate them. Often you recognize good qualities they fail to see in themselves. Because of your strengths, you are a magnet for fun. You personify the phrase “the life of the party” — that is, you can make situations enjoyable, exciting, and interesting for a group of people. You  bubble with energy and enthusiasm. You welcome opportunities to create merriment. People look forward to just being with you or attending your social

gatherings. Chances are good that you usually look forward to social events. Meeting and greeting lots of people delights you. The more you interact with these individuals, the more enthusiastic you are apt to be about life.

Questions

1. As you read your personalized strengths insights, what words, phrases, or lines standout to you?

Well ... this is true.. I do my best to make everyone part of the crowd. Or part of the group... or invite them into the party .. I like making people feel included.  Meeting and greeting lots of people delights me... true.. I love being around people. 

2. Out of all the talents in this insight, what would you like for others to see most in you? 

That I am friendly. Caring, loyal and fun.