Essay Mistress Karen asked me to write.

While I am someone who is looking for a Dominant in my life, I am finding that I need to be the master of my emotions. During the sub-mentoring boot camp it was mentioned that HOW can I be Dominated, If I cannot first dominate myself. This spoke to me very much, because I know that I have not really figured out HOW I am supposed to do that.

I began cutting, during my abusive relationship as a way to not feel. I have not ever really dealt with the things that started this vicious cycle and I am finding that stuffing these thoughts and emotions has had an adverse effect on me. It is like a volcano that is building pressure; it keeps building and building until…. BOOM! There is an explosion of emotions, which is out of control.
Stepping away from it I can see exactly how out of control it really is.

I find that I need to not just dominate myself, but I need to really be the master of my emotions. As a rational human being I know that there is not going to be a happy day every day. There will be days that are completely off, or will be filled with heartache, or pain, or sometimes even suffering. I need to deliberately and with purpose change the way I deal with days that derail me, and instead of heading for a crash, I need to put myself back on track and avoid the full scale drama scene.

To do this I will have to change my focus. If I have something that upsets me, the first thing I will do is not react to it. I will step back from whatever it is and look at it logically. I will dissect if it is something that is life altering, or life hurting, or if it is just a speed bump. I will mindfully breathe through whatever situation it is and sit on it for at least twenty four hours before I, respond to whatever the situation is. When I do I will remind myself that yes, I am allowed to have feelings about what happens, and yes it probably sucks, but in the long run will it affect me forever. My feelings and emotions are a part of who I am but they are not WHO I am.

I am still cut-free since August. Sitting here today I am shaking my head wondering why I would want to inflict the pain on myself rather than the person who inflicted the pain on me in the first place. I am going to implement the tools of positive reinforcement. I will also, now that my foot is better start back on an exercise program and especially yoga which centers me and helps me to keep my emotions in check. I will do some form of exercise other than my physical therapy three times a week. I will also get back to my journaling which also helps me to keep my emotions in check.

There is not even one good thing that comes out of me freaking out or hurting myself. I cannot change others, or what they do to me. But, I can change me, and I will live like I am special and deserving of good things. I will no longer hold on to old mentalities. I will no longer let my emotions rule my life. Instead I will master my emotions.

Word count 580.